My day to want to go home

One of the midwives here told me that all of the interns have a day where they cry and want to go home; mine is today.

Some days I feel OK telling myself to just put my head down and get through it, it's not that long, people do things that are MUCH harder than this. Today isn't one of those days and part of that is because I have PMS but another part of it is that I love midwifery and a lot of this isn't similar to the midwifery that I love... if that makes sense. The midwives here are great... it isn't that, it's the damn pace of this place. The pace can be crazy and there are always going to be people that you cannot please no matter what you do and that is the point at which it is OK to admit to yourself that you are here for clinical experience or numbers and not to learn to please every staff member in the building. I am not here to please midwife so-and-so and I, frankly, don't give a damn if she likes the way I write the dates on my charts or not... my allegiance is to my future clients and I'm here to learn as much as possible and I know that the staff midwife's only intention is to help us become the best midwives we can be.

I have two night shifts in the next two days which in some ways is good... I don't want to run around again tomorrow like I did today but also I need initial visits and postpartums. Oh, I did 4 initial visits today that I can't count for my numbers (because of the LM who signed off on them) and I need a handful more but if I don't have to look at a speculum for a day or two I'll be happy.

I'm in a terrible mood. I just went to the store with Christy, who is hilarious and awesome, and I bought a bunch of feeling sorry for myself candy... because, you know, gaining 8 pound will make me feel a lot better.

I want to go home, I miss my kids and my husband. I could barely look at the Halloween stuff because I want to be at home being Halloweeny with my kids. Wahhhhh.....