Alright then.

It's been over a year since I went to Casa. In fact, almost a year to the date of my return I (finally) sat for my NARM exam.

I'm trying to think of how to best describe what this was like... For one thing, due to high levels of magical thinking, I did not allow myself to study until I had received confirmation that I was actually taking the exam. I should back that up by explaining that the process of sending in your PEP stuff is as stressful as waiting out the inevitable zombie apocalypse. You put, oh, say 8 years worth of work into an envelope (along with $1400) and kiss it goodbye. Then you spend the next 6 (or in my case 8 just to make it extra fun) weeks waiting to hear back about the vicious audit you're about to undergo. And when I say 8 years of work it's not just your work in there, oh no, it's the signatures of maude knows how many midwives and the notarized forms they all had to go through the hassle to acquire for you.

Suffice it to say I was not audited even though I did have to have a few things re-signed due to my inability to add single digits.

So 8 years of your life is free floating somewhere in Tennessee and you wait. When I finally got my letter informing me that the PEP portion of my certification was complete and please choose a testing date I launched into manic information consumption mode. I had completed a didactic program in 2006 so it had been a while since I had been in full-on student mode. I went nuts. I neglected my family and basically all forms of normal existence for about 6 weeks stopping only to shower every couple of days and maybe remember to retrieve my kids from school... but even then I had flash cards. Well, not in the shower but definitely in the carpool line.

I read Holistic Midwifery II cover to cover, that's over 1500 pages, people. And I highlighted. And then I went back and made notes. And then I made note cards from those notes. And I also did this for Holistic Midwifery I, Heart and Hands, and Varney's. My writing hand has, literally, not been the same since then.

So I took the exam at the MANA conference in Tennessee with about 45 other candidates. I can say, without hyperbole, it was the most stressful test taking experience of my life. The president of MANA came in and sang us a song and it made me cry. My test taking anxiety persisted throughout the entire 8 hour exam. It's 350 questions and they're loooong questions, a lot of them. And they build on each other so if you get one wrong you are probably going to get the related one wrong too.

I came out of the exam wanting to cry; I have never felt like I know less about midwifery... except for my first two weeks at Casa. I was 90% sure I failed and I was not feeling overly dramatic.

And then you just have to wait and there is no getting around it. Ida Darragh was our proctor and she told us not to even start expecting the results for three weeks. Of course I started stalking the mailbox immediately, I could not help it, it was physically impossible. So for three weeks, starting at around 2:00 (our mail usually comes at 3) I would commence a mini-nervous breakdown, check the mail, get nothing, and then spend 2 hours calming myself down.

Three weeks TO THE DAY of my exam I got my results. And what time did the mail come on this day? 5:30. I was outside keeping myself occupied by taking down the Halloween decorations and not playing the, "I know it will be today" game that I had been playing every day for two weeks.

And there it was. NARM has very distinct envelopes so I could see it as soon as I opened the box. I had planned to take it inside, sit down, take a deep breath and give myself a pep talk about how failing the NARM doesn't mean I suck. Instead I ripped it open so viciously I destroyed the envelope.

I had not really allowed myself to envision getting my results (magical thinking wins again) but I had hoped it would be something like, "Congratulations! You have passed the NARM exam..." and that is exactly what it was. And I passed by a lot which completely shocked me.

I wanted to go inside and call everyone and just savor my passed-ness but I had promised my kid I would play Uno with him and he does not take game promises lightly. While I was trying to scan and email my letter to everyone I know he was sitting behind me shuffling, shuffling, shuffling.

This all may seem crazy to anyone not on this path but if you are on the path and if you're anything like me (it was a loooooong and winding path) you will understand that never having to say the words PEP or sit that exam again is one of the best feelings in the universe.